Self-care

I want to talk about a subject that has only recently become important in my life.  In fact, it has been a foreign concept to me.  This concept I never witnessed in my upbringing; my spiritual training completely left this out of my education – actually, it taught the opposite.  This concept is so basic that if you don't practice it, you cause damage to yourself and impact your ability to be a healthy, well-balanced person.  I'm talking about the concept of self-care.

I want to start with what I was taught about this subject…Oh right, I wasn't even aware of this concept until recently.  I grew up in the Mormon church - that’s no secret.  There are wonderful principles taught that really can contribute to a healthy spiritual life.  I served a mission, as many LDS folk do.  So, if you served a mission, this story will be familiar.  It goes something like this:  A President of the church as a young man served a mission.  He was having a really hard time and had lots of doubts.  He wrote home about his situation and his Dad wrote him back and said this:

 It said, “Dear Gordon, I have your recent letter. I have only one suggestion: forget yourself and go to work.”

Earlier that morning during scripture study, Elder Hinckley had read in the Bible, “Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.”

As a missionary, this concept is pounded into you over and over again.  It becomes such an ingrained part of who you are as a missionary that it carries over to the rest of your life.  You often think that if you can't totally forget who you are, you are a bad missionary and cannot completely function as a missionary.  Indeed, you spend so much energy shoving down thoughts of your own wellbeing it can cause you to feel deeply shameful about having your own wants and needs.

Other lessons I learned growing up go something like this:  A selfless person is one who is more concerned about the happiness and well-being of another than about his or her own convenience or comfort; one who is willing to serve another when it is neither sought for nor appreciated; or, one who is willing to serve even those whom he or she dislikes. A selfless person displays a willingness to sacrifice, a willingness to purge from his or her mind and heart personal wants, needs, and feelings. Instead of reaching for and requiring praise and recognition for himself (or gratification of his or her own wants), the selfless person will meet these very human needs for others…

There is another word that sounds almost like the one we have been using. However, it is an ugly word. It describes a characteristic of satanic proportions. We will not say much of this word, for it is not pleasant to think about, and we don’t like to use it. The word is selfish… Selfishness is the great unknown sin. No selfish person has ever thought himself to be selfish.

Subsequently, I grew up thinking that if I did anything selfish, I was sinning.  These concepts are taught repeatedly.  I do understand what was trying to be taught in these types of lessons.  It is a healthy and necessary part of life to serve others.  It is a great, rewarding experience to be part of something bigger than yourself.  However, this principle was often taught with the words described above: “Satanic proportions”, “ugly”, and “selfish”.  That does something to the underlying way you think.

I have a very heavy load in life - many may know what I refer to.  There are so many things that I have to work with and endure that most people can't understand what it's like.  I followed exactly what I was taught to do.  I buried myself.  I buried it so deep I took no effort to care for myself.  I allowed a part of myself to die.  And the effect it has had on my life has broken me.  There are so many things I have missed out on in life because I was taught to be 100% selfless.  I even missed out on things like knowing how to communicate with my spouse.  Being able to speak up for myself and emphasize what I want.

Right now I find myself broken down in a lonely, desolate pit.  I'm having to learn new concepts such as taking care of myself.  I'm having to take a hard, long look at things and allow myself to feel things long buried and killed off.

So, what exactly is self-care?  Here are 2 quotes I dug up out of the internet. 

"One of the greatest lessons I'm learning (and yes, I am still learning it) is that rest is not sin.  Taking a break doesn't mean you're lazy or that you're not as valuable.  Catching your breath now and then doesn't mean you're not carrying your load, or that you are somehow less than committed to your church, your company, or your calling.  It was (and is) a hard-learned lesson."

"Self-care and self-respect go hand-in-hand. It’s not about putting yourself above all others, but rather it’s simply not neglecting yourself and your needs. In other words, you matter too! We always say you can’t pour from an empty cup, and the same is true for dads. All of the duties and responsibilities involved in being a husband and father leave little time for hard-working men to take time to properly care for themselves, and dads, like moms, often sacrifice sleep, exercise, nutrition, and hobbies for their families."

My wife tried to get me to understand the concept of taking care of myself, but it was such a foreign concept to me that I had no idea what she was talking about.  She even forced me into what I now do for my own self fulfilment.  She just started buying me fishing stuff.  She is now my enabler.  I get to go out and do something strictly for my own happiness.  I don't share it with the family, however I would love to.  In the beginning I felt shame and was self-conscious because, in my mind, I wasn't measuring up to the totally selfless father figure I was taught I was supposed to be.  It took a near total collapse of my mental health to get to a point where I can allow myself to question how I view life.

Now I look forward to going out by myself and fishing.  It gives me an opportunity to think.  I go to some of the most beautiful forests and mountains that God has created.  Just being outside in nature is a form of meditation for me.  It helps me organize my chaotic thoughts and emotions.  It helps me face my problems and find solutions and deal with them in a healthy manner.  It is exercise, too!  Sure, it won't make me buff, nor will I win an Iron Man competition, but fishing is a hell of a lot of fun.

So, if nobody ever taught you this concept as well, I give you full permission to go out and have fun.  It’s ok!  There is nothing wrong with it.  It is NOT a sin.  It is necessary for your own capacity to be selfless and help other people.