Game Over Man

Game over man.  Game over!

Video games have been one of my favorite hobbies and I’ve spent countless hours doing it.  Yes I know huge revelation to the world on that one.  In my early years games and hardware were very primitive and required something called a boot disk.  This was a technical challenge and was my introduction in to the world of computers.  On ancient computers, aka 486 PCs, most games needed a tailor made 3.5 floppy boot disk in order just to have enough system resources to run the game.  My desire to have fun playing a cool game driving a submarine made me have to learn a technical skill.  It doesn’t sound like much but this drive to want to play better games kept me learning computers.  As computer hardware advanced games got bigger and better as well.

I buried myself in reading and comparing pieces of hardware and their performance, and most especially cost.  I found such a sense of self-worth and empowerment just being able to figure out all this stuff by myself going out and purchasing all the individual pieces and building my newest and shiniest gaming rig I could afford.  I was pretty good at it and I often lugged these things around to friends’ houses for a LAN party.  To those of you who aren’t total dorks a LAN party is where a bunch of guys bring their computers together and link them together so we could all play the same game against each other in the same room.  I met a lot of good friends doing this and we had some awesome times.  I even met a few that I consider some of my most valued friendships I’ve ever had.  I often think about the times we spent together not playing computer games and get filled with Joy at those memories.  I also laugh my ass off thinking about some of the insane things I did in the games like jumping off the cliff as fast as possible so the other guys couldn’t kill me all the while yelling insane things like the snakes are after me!

Eventually I grew up.  A bit.  A very little bit and got married!  I’m sure most women will roll their eyes at this one.  But games caused a bit of tension between myself and my new bride.  She got upset at me that after a long day at work I’d go home and straight to the computer and play for too long instead of being with her.  Yes I know ladies shocker!  Eventually I learned not to be an idiot and backed off gaming a wee bit.  When kids rolled around that’s when things really changed.  I knew that spending a crap ton of time on a game vs changing diapers and midnight feedings were not very compatible.  So I cut back a ton because I didn’t want to be that guy who ignored his wife and relegated her to the duty wet nurse, or wife maid.

As the years rolled by and kids grew I still went back to games over and over again.  Not for learning or technical reasons.  My skills working in the technology field far out stripped anything I could possibly learn playing a game.  Instead of what happened in the past something else developed out of my gaming habits.  Escape from reality was the new theme.  I began to isolate myself from my problems and opted not to even think about them.  When things became stressful I buried myself in a game and did what is called ‘power gaming’.  Here is a handy definition from Wikipedia. 

Powergaming (or power gaming) is a style of interacting with games or game-like systems, particularly video games, boardgames, and role-playing games, with the aim of maximising progress towards a specific goal, to the exclusion of other considerations such as storytelling, atmosphere and camaraderie. Due to its focus on the letter of the rules over the spirit of the rules, it is often seen as unsporting, un-fun, or unsociable. 

The games I focused on were not even multiplayer so I didn’t have to play with other people.  The sense of accomplishment I felt from reaching max level on games gave me a false sense of control over my life.  It was my total escape from reality, it was an atmosphere where I could control all the variables.  I had clear goals and outcomes and endless tinkering I could do to achieve some useless skill.  So I created a safe haven of stagnation.  Gaming, and a crap ton of other reasons, allowed me to lose precious skills like knowing how to talk to people.  Even worse it provided me an escape away from dealing with problems with my marriage and addressing the stresses that come from having 3 children on the autism spectrum.

The last 2 years of my life have been the most awakening, transformative, and harrowing of my life.  Things came to a boiling over point in our marriage.  We realized we were speeding uncontrolled towards a cliff that would end what we had built together.  So we went to therapy together.  We learned new skills and we got tools to help us deal with our own individual problems that caused us not to communicate.  Over and over we would have discussions about our problems.  Often times it took me weeks to be able to answer some of her questions.  It took so long because I was so unaccustomed to thinking deeply about anything other than escaping into my perfect world.

Thankfully I no longer take weeks to answer questions.  I can even take as little as 30 seconds now to give an answer about what is going on inside my broken mind.  Through all this growth period I realized I no longer want to escape into myself and play a game.  The movie reference ‘Game over man. Game over!’ applies to me now.  I very rarely play any kind of video game.  It simply does not offer me any kind satisfaction or fun.  Now I have a new escape as I’m sure nobody will be surprised to learn its fly fishing.  I know that doesn’t sound like I learned anything.  But fishing is a very healthy hobby for me.  It gets me out and gives my body exercise I never got playing a game.  It allows me to calm my mind and think just by being surrounded by the beauty of nature.  I get a real thrill catching a fish and admiring the beauty of the animal before I release it back to the waters or into my frying pan.

I still love my good memories of the games I played and recognize the pivotal role they played in developing my career. I do not plan on ever going back and playing video games.  So now it really is GAME OVER.

The Meat Grinder

Is life is a classroom, a playground, or an adventure?  I think life can be a great many things to people and even multiple things at once.  There can be so many experiences which bring happiness and joy, such as the birth of a child, catching a big fish, making love with your special someone...  I have striven to always look at the beautiful things in life.  To seek wisdom in the journey.  To find comfort and focus in a path laid out by others.

I've walked this path with great enthusiasm.  Found beauty in the uniqueness of my situation.  Many lessons have been handed down to me of what to expect and how to handle what I may find on my journey.  My oldest son didn't talk till he was five.  For the most part he only made a sound that was like an elongated E.  It was very hard for me to see my son as anything other than a late starter.  Nothing in my background taught me how to handle this.  The only thing I knew was how to love.  As the years have gone by his speech has developed at a rapid pace.  Now there are times he won't
stop talking.

During those early years it was almost impossible for us to know what he wanted.  He could never tell us if he was hungry.  He couldn't let us know that normal, everyday sounds caused him pain.  I had to learn through trial and error.  Frustration was the dominant theme through this process as I learned to help my son grow.

The contrast between the beautifully laid out path I expected, along with its predictable milestones, and what my life turned out to be has been a hard one to see and accept.  Just like those early years of learning to communicate, there were many hard lessons learned through pain.  My life has been filled with many experiences that, like my son’s speech, have been filled with things that just don't fit in with expectations set by the predictable path.

Instead, I have found that I'm not actually on a path that has clearly marked signs of where to go next and what to do when you get there.  I have discovered that my journey is more like passing through a meat grinder.  I have been placed in the top with the happy expectation that I know what awaits me at the end.  Never did I know that, in passing through the grinder, I would be aware of the pain as I got broken down and ground into meat and forced through an opening to be put on a plate.  Often I turned myself over to the Lord asking thing like how do I survive?  Why does it have to hurt so much?  What do I do now that I've been turned into something else?

Never did I receive any answers, except when the next difficulty came.  I discovered then that the answer was the same as the first: I was to be placed back up on the meat grinder to go through it all over again.  Through each turn of the crank, I get to feel as if I'm being ripped apart, and all the while I keep casting my eyes about for relief looking for answers and help, looking for a lifeline.  But it never came.  The only “answer” to be had was that I get to go through to be ground again.  Once back on the plate and out of the grinder, I thank my Lord for my pain as a good boy should.  Yet never have I once felt the comforting warmth of a job well done.  Over and over again, for me, this grinding process repeats without a word from up on high.

Then finally one day I realized that I'm broken beyond use.  No answers for me, no comfort to be found.  It seems as if I've been forgotten and left to rot.  It's up to me to pick myself up as there is not even the butcher left to throw me away.  Thanks to the meat grinder, I've learned there are no answers to why I've been forgotten.   I'm too ripped apart to hear anything that might be said anyway.

Self-care

I want to talk about a subject that has only recently become important in my life.  In fact, it has been a foreign concept to me.  This concept I never witnessed in my upbringing; my spiritual training completely left this out of my education – actually, it taught the opposite.  This concept is so basic that if you don't practice it, you cause damage to yourself and impact your ability to be a healthy, well-balanced person.  I'm talking about the concept of self-care.

I want to start with what I was taught about this subject…Oh right, I wasn't even aware of this concept until recently.  I grew up in the Mormon church - that’s no secret.  There are wonderful principles taught that really can contribute to a healthy spiritual life.  I served a mission, as many LDS folk do.  So, if you served a mission, this story will be familiar.  It goes something like this:  A President of the church as a young man served a mission.  He was having a really hard time and had lots of doubts.  He wrote home about his situation and his Dad wrote him back and said this:

 It said, “Dear Gordon, I have your recent letter. I have only one suggestion: forget yourself and go to work.”

Earlier that morning during scripture study, Elder Hinckley had read in the Bible, “Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.”

As a missionary, this concept is pounded into you over and over again.  It becomes such an ingrained part of who you are as a missionary that it carries over to the rest of your life.  You often think that if you can't totally forget who you are, you are a bad missionary and cannot completely function as a missionary.  Indeed, you spend so much energy shoving down thoughts of your own wellbeing it can cause you to feel deeply shameful about having your own wants and needs.

Other lessons I learned growing up go something like this:  A selfless person is one who is more concerned about the happiness and well-being of another than about his or her own convenience or comfort; one who is willing to serve another when it is neither sought for nor appreciated; or, one who is willing to serve even those whom he or she dislikes. A selfless person displays a willingness to sacrifice, a willingness to purge from his or her mind and heart personal wants, needs, and feelings. Instead of reaching for and requiring praise and recognition for himself (or gratification of his or her own wants), the selfless person will meet these very human needs for others…

There is another word that sounds almost like the one we have been using. However, it is an ugly word. It describes a characteristic of satanic proportions. We will not say much of this word, for it is not pleasant to think about, and we don’t like to use it. The word is selfish… Selfishness is the great unknown sin. No selfish person has ever thought himself to be selfish.

Subsequently, I grew up thinking that if I did anything selfish, I was sinning.  These concepts are taught repeatedly.  I do understand what was trying to be taught in these types of lessons.  It is a healthy and necessary part of life to serve others.  It is a great, rewarding experience to be part of something bigger than yourself.  However, this principle was often taught with the words described above: “Satanic proportions”, “ugly”, and “selfish”.  That does something to the underlying way you think.

I have a very heavy load in life - many may know what I refer to.  There are so many things that I have to work with and endure that most people can't understand what it's like.  I followed exactly what I was taught to do.  I buried myself.  I buried it so deep I took no effort to care for myself.  I allowed a part of myself to die.  And the effect it has had on my life has broken me.  There are so many things I have missed out on in life because I was taught to be 100% selfless.  I even missed out on things like knowing how to communicate with my spouse.  Being able to speak up for myself and emphasize what I want.

Right now I find myself broken down in a lonely, desolate pit.  I'm having to learn new concepts such as taking care of myself.  I'm having to take a hard, long look at things and allow myself to feel things long buried and killed off.

So, what exactly is self-care?  Here are 2 quotes I dug up out of the internet. 

"One of the greatest lessons I'm learning (and yes, I am still learning it) is that rest is not sin.  Taking a break doesn't mean you're lazy or that you're not as valuable.  Catching your breath now and then doesn't mean you're not carrying your load, or that you are somehow less than committed to your church, your company, or your calling.  It was (and is) a hard-learned lesson."

"Self-care and self-respect go hand-in-hand. It’s not about putting yourself above all others, but rather it’s simply not neglecting yourself and your needs. In other words, you matter too! We always say you can’t pour from an empty cup, and the same is true for dads. All of the duties and responsibilities involved in being a husband and father leave little time for hard-working men to take time to properly care for themselves, and dads, like moms, often sacrifice sleep, exercise, nutrition, and hobbies for their families."

My wife tried to get me to understand the concept of taking care of myself, but it was such a foreign concept to me that I had no idea what she was talking about.  She even forced me into what I now do for my own self fulfilment.  She just started buying me fishing stuff.  She is now my enabler.  I get to go out and do something strictly for my own happiness.  I don't share it with the family, however I would love to.  In the beginning I felt shame and was self-conscious because, in my mind, I wasn't measuring up to the totally selfless father figure I was taught I was supposed to be.  It took a near total collapse of my mental health to get to a point where I can allow myself to question how I view life.

Now I look forward to going out by myself and fishing.  It gives me an opportunity to think.  I go to some of the most beautiful forests and mountains that God has created.  Just being outside in nature is a form of meditation for me.  It helps me organize my chaotic thoughts and emotions.  It helps me face my problems and find solutions and deal with them in a healthy manner.  It is exercise, too!  Sure, it won't make me buff, nor will I win an Iron Man competition, but fishing is a hell of a lot of fun.

So, if nobody ever taught you this concept as well, I give you full permission to go out and have fun.  It’s ok!  There is nothing wrong with it.  It is NOT a sin.  It is necessary for your own capacity to be selfless and help other people.